Melancholy

baltimoreSometimes it feels hard to step into the future but it’s actually nothing you do at all. Your heart beats and one breath follows another. It does not require courage. The future might seem better or more exciting or more full of possibility if it was a choice. But you just keep going on and moving forward until entropy catches up with inertia and one day you don’t any more.

Now and then I perform thought experiments where I try to imagine consciousness outside of the construct of time but I quickly become overwhelmed by nostalgia. I am sitting on the front stoop of my childhood home talking to the neighbor boy in the back of an old Buick high on LSD, shouting and smoking on a bar stool in a dark library while my infant son is holding my hands and struggling to stand on my lap.

What day is it? Thursday. My work schedule is irregular and it’s disorienting to be home when everyone else is at work. I would be better off if I worked more and had less time alone with my thoughts. Or do I need more time alone to process what goes on at work. A lot of people are suffering.

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